It's What I Do

A shrink (sorry, a psychologist) once asked: Why do you write? I was literally and figuratively dumbfounded. It was so obvious in my head but I had no words for it. None. I stammered out some nonesense (some 20 years ago, now). I don't remember what I said. But thinking about it now and because I am so easily discouraged, why do I keep writing? Do I get any encouragement? Why, yes. Yes, I do. I get encouragement from "lay persons" (non-writers), real (published) writers, and I even get encouragement from editors in the form of nice rejections. What's a nice rejection? When the editor provides a personal note. Tells you:

I've also gotten my share of form rejections. These are the "you suck" rejections. The story was so bad that the editor couldn't think of anything nice to say. Okay, okay, that's not entirely true. Sometimes a form rejection is simply because the editor has no time to write anything personal. Right? Come on, if they really liked your writing, don't you think they'd have time for a couple-word scribble? Yeah, I thought so.

Now you might be thinking that having an editor tell you "oh so close" is pretty cool. You'd be wrong. It's the worst rejection imaginable. It means you're OH SO CLOSE but you have no idea whatsoever how to bridge that gap. How the hell do you (do I) adapt my writing so that I'm no longer OH SO CLOSE but that I'm accepted and published? Ya got me. If I knew I wouldn't be writing this, would I?

The smirky answer (the smirk is on the person giving the answer) is: you keep writing. But that's a misleading answer. Of course you keep writing (you certainly can't publish if you don't write). But if your writing isn't improving then to "keep writing" is kinda fruitless ain't it? Or worse, in vain attempts to bridge that infinite gap from OH SO CLOSE to published (which is no more than a heartbeat across), you might be exacerbating your weaknesses and eliminating your strengths. My strengths. I could be heading in the wrong direction. How the hell would I know? Other than I start getting form rejections again instead of painful and encouraging hand-written rejections.

But, yes, I do keep trying. I do keep writing. Do I get discouraged? What the hell do you think? But writing fiction is the one avenue in my life that I've never stopped doing. I can't imagine not writing. Like James Earl Jones matter-of-factly (watch out for those adverbs, godammit!) says in Field of Dreams: It's what I do. I wish I had that quote with me 20 years ago when the shrink asked why I write. I'd have looked him in the eye and said:

It's what I do.